Buddy Bean. Mother daughter relationships. What a unique bond. The only woman in the world whom i can say I came out of her uterus, there is bound to be a unique tie between us. She knows of me what I allow her to see and I know of her what I can see. Unlike other relationships in life, I fairly rarely see my mother interact with others her age. She belongs in the family scene of the work place. I dont know if how she treats me is like how she treats everyone else because i only see her treating me. Besides the fact, i would have to say between my mother and I, there is the most unique bond.
We laugh more than most. Often it is like the period at the end of our sentances. SOme might say this suggests more joy in our relationship but it is not necesarily true. How we deal is with laughter. I get mad, she laughs. She screws up, I laugh. I tell about my day, we laugh. It fits into nearly every situation. Now if I truely veiwed my mom as my superior, would i be able to laugh at her mistakes and joke at her flaws? I don't know. Ever since the age of 10, when the first piece of the jigsaw puzzle known as my mom was given to me by my father, I have seen her less as a figure and more as a learning person. I see her struggle, I see her fight, I see her hold her tongue, I see her stick out. But most of all I see her love that covers everything that afflicts her. It's not so much like she is teaching me day be day, although sometimes i feel completely uneducated next to her, it is more like a companionship. She helps me grow, and I help her grow. I've learned how to cool her down, how to make her aware, and how to deal with her in a productive way. Just the same, she has learned how to deal with me, teach me how to succeed in light of her obstacles, and what life is about. I've never known anyone who talks to their mom like I do. I tell her the same jokes as my friends because she laughs at them, and just the same, she tells me about her relational problems at work. She shared with me her struggles with God, and I tell her about my aching heart. There are always some things that remain hidden in us. I truely don't know my mother. Each day i discover something new. I used to get so frustrated because she wouldn't tell me about herself. Wouldn't tell me about bulemia, OCD, ADD, everything and anything. But now i thank her. She gives me patience. Like a blanket, she unfolds slowly and I hope one day we can be best friends. Maybe then i will know my mommy..
  ¶ 10:30 PM 1 Comments

  Sneezing leads to death As of right now, life is different. I feel different in my own skin. It is as if i am living a little side-note to the regular. The most unhappy part about this side note is that it does not include friends. After school, I get into the what i call "productivity zone". If its not productive, get it away from me. I get this whole day planner set of what i will do and what will go at what time. These activities include eating, excercizing, dancing, responsibilities and homework. Never do i ever put in social time into the equation. In the past, this has worked out. School is social, and I make good enough connections during class that an occasional phone call is enough to keep open the lines of comminucation. But i fear that soon this line will be severed. With no commitment to them, no time to offer, and no classes had, my friendships are at serious risk. Its like they are coming down with a cold that could lead to a disease that could lead to death. I am looking too far into the future. I know, I will simply fix today and tomarrow and worry about the rest later. This weekend, I will plan in friends. Yes, it will be good.


  ¶ 10:22 PM 0 Comments

  Play Ball While stretching amoung the immature likes of the young and ignorant sophomores (whom i adore because i can act like an idiot around them and could care less), I began to think about sports and the logic of it all. It is not irregular for a PE coach, in order to be Politically Correct (and you all know how i feel about being PC, ugh) will say something like "it doesnt matter who wins, as long as you tried your hardest!" Off the subject, thats the biggest load of crap I've heard preached endlessly(Honestly, we don't practice to practice, we practice to be able to win. I don't try my hardest because I think it makes me a better person, I try my hardest because it means i might get better which might mean winning. It's like saying I paint my finger nails because I am aiming for fingernail painting perfection. Let's focus on the goal, painted fingernails aka winning), but anway....upon hearing this I began to wonder....why is it that when people tie, we say they both win? Isn't it just as logical to say that we both lost? Actually i think it makes more sense, because neither side was able to beat out the opposition. Maybe it's because we can't accept not having winners. In every area of life, somebody has to win right? We can';t just play a game and have a room full of loosers. Why is it even that we want to win? Is it for glorification? Pride? Self-gratification? Proff of hard work? It's an unwritten law? Or is it that there is no point to a game if there is no winner? All of these reasons seem self-centered, not exactly my aim in life. But I suppose our society is based on selfish means, prospering your own life. Who knows, I jam just grateful that I have PE because it has opened my eyes to the deprived world of games we live in...ha
  ¶ 9:47 PM 2 Comments

  Every woman has celulite on their butt. Accept it. Why is it again that its okay to be thin but not akay to be fat? Does anone else here find it weird that the most obvious sign of a well feed person , obesity, is acceptable if not admired in everyother society than our own? Here we shutter at the word, because it is known that the wealthy and prosperous eat nutrious and delicious overly priced organic vegetables and soy-protiens and thus stay thin as a rail. Thinness is no longer the sick and the impoverished, the dieing and the weak, but more so the healthy and the strong, the fit and the lean. Now i say this not because i suggest we all ignore out arteries and fill our inards with processed fats high in cholesteral and die befor we can see our children graduate high school, but rather that we take a moment to consider the obvious. The roles of beauty and attraction have completely flopped. Naturally in the primitive, we look for the roles, the chubs, the hips on the women to know that what we are buying into will be around for a while and bear children without having to take daily supplements to have a natrually developed baby. It is unnatural to want the thin, the skinny, the abused and underfed. They produce malnurished children if they can produce at all. I am certainly glad that glamour is out of the anorexc stage. Finally someone on the magazine cover has bigger boobs than me. For a while i was beginnning to wonder if women would soon resume the position now held by manakins, look dont touch. Let's not break her. Honestly, if a model were to come out into my PE 2 class, she could be in the ER with a heart attack due to overexertion from our 2 minute jog. People simply cannot survive like that. Now we see more the "i have radiant skin because I eat my vegetables" woman on the magazine covers. But do not be decieved, they have still lypoed a good 30 pounds off that woman's thighs and butt and put it into her lips and boobs. It's crazy, everyone knows they are fake, they know about hte airbrush technology used, they know that in People magazine Drew Barymore had much thicker ankles than she does now displayed on the cover of Vogue, but it's like we've become accostumed to looking at those Magic Eye books; you know the three-d image really isnt there but you still sit for hours upon hours trying to get your eyes to see it. Stop trying dude. SO once again, I kara have gone off on a media tangent. There is no point here. Everything i literate is an iliterated statement. I just have to pick a fight with the things that bring the good people down for no good reason.
  ¶ 9:17 PM 3 Comments

  I Dare you to sit still Every ocean's too big, every mountain's too tall, every wound too deep, every mind too complex, every bush too stuck for one to handle on thier own. APon yinquiry of removing my thorns, I stumbled upon the impossibility of it all and turned to desperation and utter surrender rather than action. It was only in my most inactive moment that God was allowed to seek in through the wounds in my skin and heal everything around me. I feel so blessed because within two days the world has altered to fit me, wihle all I've done is asked for it. Dang it feels good

ps. I love my Joey ( and no Joey is not a man)
  ¶ 9:23 AM 3 Comments

  My eyes are tired Welcome to a smaller veiw. Let's get rid of the larger perspective and come to a place called reality, my reality. Although i love to avoid thinking about it, analyzing it, or even comprehending my knowledge of it, some days it just hits me in the gut like an unexpected fist. One section at a time, like an annoying bug stuck in your bedroom while you are trying to sleep, thorns in my perfect hemisphere appear and only their sheer pain causes me to acknowledge them. Sometimes its just one thorn, enough to ignore. Only when I attempt to relax and rest does the thorn seek deep and begin to draw blood. Thus I am forced to attend to my wound, a process sometimes more painful than the actual puncture itself. Other times, a two or more thorns show up at a time. Now enough to harm my skin, I must slowly work out the thorns, one at a time. Attempting to remove both leads to further cutting a pricking and hurt. But none the less, I can handle them all. Then there are times like these, where it seems like someone has picked up the whole damn rose push and whacked the living daylights out of me with it. No thorns left on the bush, I am left confused, concerned, and utterly lost as to why I got this beating. Even more, I dont know which thorn to start with because each vain attempt simply withers my skin into a bloody mess. Man, I need some tweezers.
  ¶ 10:57 PM 1 Comments

  Green community For the past week I have been doing some research to support the beliefs i hold very strong to and I have come up with a coilition of ideas about how to act on these beliefs. I am still thinking about the necesities, so i just want to share some of my findings.

Over75% of the worlds fisheries are overfished. Overfishing causes the distinction of whales, coral, and sea life in general.

Japan, Norway, and Iceland continue to kill whales for profits.

In the last 50 years, 20% of the worlds ancient forests have been cleared.

The United States accounts for 25 percent of the world's annual global warming pollution, but we only make up four percent of the world's population.

Scientists project that the planet's average surface temperature will rise between 2.5 and 10.4 degrees Fahrenheit over the next 100 years

One out of every six children born in America has elevated levels of mercury in their body due to mercury emmiting coal plants who burn fossil fuels.

Just thoughts to chew on. And no, I am not a hippie, New Age religionist. I do not praise the earth. I endow it with every bit of respect God has commanded us to give it. Dude, its not that hard not to trash our planet. Anyone with me?

  ¶ 10:49 PM 1 Comments

  Please clear the halls My mom is reading out of this 3,000 pages book all about colleges and i am barely listening to one word. Call me rude, call me ungrateful, but my mind is pretty much full. Its not like i need more information. Its not like I dont know anything about college or myself. Its just I need timje to sort through my own brain. Her words are clogging my mental hallways. I need some traffic control. College....yes......I want a big fatty truck to drive and just drive to a college that will take me becuase they think i am nice. That would be nice.
  ¶ 7:55 PM 4 Comments

  I love omlettes If it takes one day of horrible rain for me to get the greatest sunshine ever, then let it be. I will take the rain. If starving today will bring me a feast tomarrow, then i will starve. If it takes making me desperate today so that i can see the largest source of hope tomarrow, then make me desperate. If it means that i have to be lost to one day feel the most at home, then let it be. I am ready. I have my armour on now. I get that Your not joking. So bring it. I am no longer going to be afraid of crying today because i cannot not see over the abyss that seperates tonight from tomarrow. Because I am ready, ready for a day of life, love, and good things. I am ready for athe biggest existential hug and I'm not going to sacrafice it for a few saved tears. Like they say, I would rather love and loose than never love at all. Afterall, if i am going to take the time feeling one way, I might as well make it big. I am ready.

It is 6:45 in the morning and I hope that every single one of you has a day. Don't waste it because it is a gift.
  ¶ 6:39 AM 0 Comments

  Its all a big race in the fog Although i find that blogging twice in one day tend to result into a self inflicted fatality of comment ratings, I can't help but say more. I have discovered that no matter what steps i take, what choices i make, what wrods i say, i can never help but let my day run itself. There are a million more people that effect my life than me and to say that i control it is complete bull shute. Each night when I set my head on the pillow, always the same things run through my head. The most consuming issues of the day take up the majority of my thought space, and shortly following are the unrelated events of the past that filter into my knowledge of today's occurances. The second ballod is filled with insignificant faces, places, and actions thats just simply..ocured. Then the finale comes; an overveiw. Where did I fail? Where did I succeed? Tonight at this time and place am i more or less valuable because of today's actions? It is at this time and this time only that i realise there is only one constant each and every day. Each day I rise set with a goal, and fall asleep always falling short. The catch comes when even after i know the results of living tomarrow, I still get out of bed. Maybe that's where overacheivers come. Becuase if only each day i could met every goal I set, what would tomarrows goal be? I think i might run out if i were truely efficient and thus, cease to WANT to exists. Currently, my goals are foggy and in turn i feel defeated each day. I sigh knowing that I was half-hearted in most and unclear in all. The most puzzling part of all is at this point in life, I know most clearly what I want but refuse to set the goal. Dangit kara, just let go...and let Him in....


  ¶ 10:32 PM 0 Comments

  Is it cold in here? Oh security. I totally get waht they mean when they say security blanket, becuase really that is what securty is. Its like a blanket that keeps you warm and assures you that there is something there to keep out the cold. It creates consistancy in your heat just as security creates a consistancy in your life. But both can be taken from you in a heart beat. Torn away without notice and you are left defenseless, trying to find a replacement. My security in dance has vanished. Where to? I dont know. Maybe somebody else out there in this cosmic world is enjoying my security because i wasn't sharing very well but i sure would like it back. I dont want to go somewhere else, i dont want a new teacher, i dont want to let it slide, i don't want a change, most importantly, i don't ever want to stop. Not now, i am too close, and i love it too much.

If anyone out there knows of any good scholarships that dont require writting an essay, please let me know. Thanks!
  ¶ 10:06 PM 0 Comments

  I know you want to try it, go ahead and breath... Aside from my obviously abstract writting that i dont even understand, i am deciding to post something normal. I love breathing. I love breathe. I love lungs. Man oh man, hear me out here. Everymorning its the sounds you wake up to, the gentle and slow rythmic expansions of your lungs. Whether you think about it or not, you breathe and it sounds like an ocean inside your head. Hold your breathe right now. I bet you took a deep long inhale before your held it right? Predictable. Thats also what i love. I know when i am going to breathe in and then out. I can expand and deflate myself underneath my rib cage and create a totally refreshed feeling. Everytime i want something new, i can breathe in. Breathe is not only functional, it is beautiful . Slow, long breaths are warm and soft and comforting. Dance with your breathe and it looks like God has given your wings. The hot heat of someone elses breathe gives a sense of security to know that you are not alone. Bascially, it is the most wonderfully functional part of our bodies. I like to breathe sloww and take my heart beat down to match the beat of a song. Man. I love breathing. I love living.
  ¶ 5:02 PM 2 Comments

  Where am I? Let's get this straight. Today starts tonight which is the last night before tomarrow, where i will begin everything over again. Just like i did yesterday, i can think to myself that tomarrow is the first day of the rest of this, or it is the last day within my comprehension. Right? right. Gl;ad we cleared that up.

So tell me, how is this going to work? Is there anyway to skip through it and reach a point of no friction where its alright to be seperate, different, and not on diverging paths but still live together? I can guess about tomarrow, i can even plan tomarrow, but can i imagine tomarrow in its fullness? Never. Will you still be there? Maybe. Will I? Maybe. SO let's agree on this. Today we will act like there will never be a tomarrow becuase there is to much to fill in that it stresses me out. Let's do what we want because we can and that will be good enough. And when there is a bad day, let it be bad because maybe, that's what was needed. Even if it means that we feel like we will end the last day of the rest of our lives in a rut, at least we were rutting in it without the stressers of tomarrow and never stuck in discussion about something that will never occur. My only question is now, what if tomarrow comes, and it becomes today, and you are not there? i can't say i planned on your presence, but i know in my heart of hearts something will break and tear and no amount of non-planning will avoid that.

And when i have finished doing the nothing i am doing at this exact moment, i look forward to doing something. I am considering a shower, then a good meditation period. Possible glances at some applications, a little bit of Modest Mouse, and most definately a latte...yes English Toffee latte...or mayeb even a cappucino. But i will gaurantee you all this. Whatever it is i do, i will do it with all my mind, all my heart, all my energy. Becuase today is the last time right now that I can ever do anything, so I am not about to waste that. Thankyou God for today. I have to go live or something....
  ¶ 4:44 PM 0 Comments

  oh yes quiet i do believe i have created for myself a time of solitude. The last two days have been everything but busy, full, and hectic. I wake up each morning to the sounds outside and nothing more. I do not communicate with anyone fro at least 2 hours and during that time i enjoy a sip of coffee, a large grapefruit, and a handful of strechtes and games of fetch. The rest of the day is up for grabs, not thinking about whom with or what to do, just kind of going. I know i have a thousand things to finish and tons of responsibilities but within my solitude, none of that stresses me out. Because there is alwyas time....
  ¶ 11:07 AM 8 Comments