Endoplasmic reticulum I think I start multiple posts with the usual "I am just trying to figure out" and I am going to do it again.

What is actually important, what is kinda important, what is really important, and what is just fake and gets in the way. Life, love, death, and money are like mile posts along the road. No matter which one you see or pass they all look just as big, just as tall, and just as impressive, but you know some mileposts mean things. One will mark the place where you got married, one will mark the exit you have to take to make it to your grandpa's funeral, and another is just a dead stick in the road.

The thing is I can't tell what is what.

I want clarity and I want peace. I want resolution and I want it now.

I want an escape from greed, ha.

I also want all sectors of my life to collide again but this time, i want them to like it. I want all my loves to love, and all my joys to be joyful, and all my interests to be interested in eachother. Harmony I suppose is the request.

Im not angry, nor sad, just puzzled on the complexity of things. I was studying chains of elements which make up chains of animo acids which make up chains of proteins which then line up and coil and cross and helix and overlap until a mass is created. the amazing thing is, 94% of that mass is still just space, unoccupied by matter. Thats like reality: very complex ,but made up of very small, relatively insignificant things that give the illusion of matter. Only in my life, everything is significant because it effects me, and everything is complicated because there is so much, and life is truely complex because i will never be able to completely unwind the helix. Maybe I should just start focusing on the empty space instead of the occupied minority

I am beginning to love LMU more everyday while simultaneously missing people I can not be with more and more. What a paradox  ¶ 9:55 PM 0 Comments

  On the Phone There is a middle line at which we can all call home; a place of rest, a place of comfort, a mindset that is at ease. We go up, away, high above it into mania and pray never to come down, but we do. And then, sliding on that slope into the depths of everything, some never come out because they lack faith in the promise of a middle line. Kinda circular instead of linear in my eyes, but this is the track of life. Then the reincarnate die, live again, die again, live again, and even those who lack that idea are born, live, die, and their matter makes up something new. New life, circular pattern.

And i was thinking about when I am going to die and how it will be a birth of something for everyone else. The birth of a world without me, the birth of a tragedy, the birth of a celebration, and somewhere a childs cry will sound and life will begin again. So to honor all that circular stuff that happens naturally, I want my death to resemble my birth. People can cry, people can hug one another, and mom can swear. I want the ones I love to be close enough to touch me, and I want to be naked. I know i can't choose to die naked, but I want to be burried or burned naked. I came without clothes, I will leave without them.


Its been a very very long weak and I am worn thin, but life is still _______  ¶ 6:13 PM 0 Comments

  Evolving Blush Where does theology belong? Its scary to admit it, but its there: you don't know some of the answers. I want to spend time finding the answers but knowing that they possibly don't exist puts lifes purpose in another realm of understanding. Today I told my parents that I don't know what I believe, and that in a very real nature, that unknown is alot further from their ideas than it used to be. But what I didn't tell them is that the looking is slow, the finding is even slower, and I fear I am going to be in this stage forever.

I turn to the holy books. I want a moral truth, but I want it to be unbiased, unbigoted, unchanged by human hands. Intro to New Testament taught me I want what we all want but doesn't exist. We need to put a mask on God to make him look more like man so we can understand. I did find somethings though. Sparkles of gold among a ramble of jewels, and a touch of riches among the rest of common. And so it was written

"A prophet is honored everywhere except in his hometown and with his own people and in his own home"

"You cleverly ignore the commands of God so you can follow your own teachings"

"There is nothing people put ino their bodies that makes them unclean. People are made unclean by the things that come out of them"

"It is worth nothing for them to have the whole world if they lose their souls"

"Whoever wants to be the most important must be last of all and servant of all"

"Salt is good, but if the salt loses its salty taste, you cannot make it salty again. So, be full of salt, and have peace with each other"

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God"

And that is only after reading half of Mark, a book written 30 years after the crucifiction by a man who never even met Jesus. Does he have authority? Maybe. Does he sound wise? Yea. Does he say alot of truth that agrees with my deepest opinions? Indeed. But is his writting the word of God......I'm not sure yet

Myu parents are coming into town to watch my dance performance and i am very excited for someone from home to learn about my life here. Wish me luck  ¶ 4:31 PM 15 Comments

  In Honor of Dr. King You wanna know what I see? I see a planet that has harmony and a place where people can survive. A earth we can call home because it is blended united under some love, some power, some force. Like a bright light that eminates from the center and filtrates every stick, every piece of soil, every fungus, tree, water, land mass, bird, reptile, laboring beast, eaten beast, domestic beast, human child, living God, grown man and pulls them closer to the other. I see a world that rejuvinates itself with every passing moment, that lives off its increasingly positive energy and builds and builds and builds until it wants to burst with creation. I see a day when nobody breathes harmful air and everybody has touched clear water, no chemicals attached. My mind toys with pictures of crytal clear reality, a repaired ozone, a healed land, restored extinction and destructed ego. I see a message of pure love to all of the human species -- to every infant, child, man, woman regardless of race, culture or ideology. For, in this moment, there is no conflict or separation. I can see that all are connected each with the other in the most primitive of ways.

But I can also see fear of this life, this existence. Fear of loosing the greatness that is human accomplishment and fear of sacraficing brain for brute. Fear of putting the green-earth before the human completion, the hemp before the dollar, the plant before the man.

The good thing is, my vision is not like Dr. King's; there is no one race or political party that sees this. There is not one..it is a fleeting dream in the back of the minds of all men and takes second, third, fourth, ninty ninth to ambitions that satisfy today. As for tomorrow, it will be a separate entity that must fight for itself.

Early to bed early to rise, envision something good for me and then do it!! People like to feel like they are contributing something, so how about at 12 tomorrow, contribute a clean thought towards a cleaner tomorrow. It needs the strength.  ¶ 10:13 PM 0 Comments

  Wherever You Be it Don't have a reason to be
But I've got a million to follow
this current that is building up in me.
Maybe it started from the reflecting
yellow and white beams that glow off my wrinkled hands
reminding me that even in confinment
the sun can still touch my skin.
And it does so each day while I sit and read
Today out of theological texts
about people ancient, philosophy so, and insights into
How far derived we are from how it all started
I dont mean the world, I mean the mind and soul.
Thats where I feel it today,
part of the world but in the mind.
I feel at peace but not at stillness
I feel silent but not unheard
There are aches and pains
There are screams of joy
But some medium is reached between all this
To where I can walk onto the bluff, look over the ocean
see the sun reflect off the water like it was my own skin
and think
My world is endless  ¶ 4:57 PM 1 Comments

  Bones Sinking like Stones I am trying to figure something out that I have never completely wrestled with before and now my head is turning inside out with propositions and inquiries: What do I think the purpose, goal, or use is of the mind, the body, and the soul. Just about everything I do in a day relates to one of these three qualities so I ought to figure this out before making more ignorant claims or imposing my ideas onto my lifestyle.

The mind: to oldtime philosophers, it is the same thing as the soul and at times, that rings clear to me. But the fact that I can feel things in my soul but can't exactly reason them, where reason is the key element of the mind and the tool by which it exists, proves that there is a distinction. Now the real question is should I live to develope my ability to reason? Or perhaps my minds capacity to hold information? Or should I exploit my knowledge to gain control? After all, if I have done the tedious job of planting, harvesting, and growing a powerful tool like a sharp mind, why not reap the benefits and use the grain? Is the mind a good thing, able to find me truth, value, and reality and thus give me realistic direction? Or is the mind a temptrest, who only shoots down all that faith sleeps upon, kills dreams and imagination, and stabs the dreams and loves of men? As I am spending (and have spent) a great majority of my life in school developing my academic mind, I am beginning to feel a bit cheated for never having questioned the value and purpose of a great mind.

The Body: a tool, instrument, cloak, sheild, fortress, temple, machine, space waster, you name it. We tune, fix, spend, ruin, abuse, protect, and glorify this thing we live in. Some people will never see themselves as anything but a body, whereas others spend their lives wishing they lived in some other vessel or none at all. As a dancer, I liked to see my own body as a tool for expression, a means of communication and a thing to be used. Those who spend hours in the gym to look a certain form will never really USE their body, only shape it to resemble something useful. I say that they are as well off having plastic surgery to fix their imperfections the fast way because at least then there is no wasted energy. Then again, there is the view that to use the body means a right to abuse. Is it justified, if our body is simply a means of carying out our will, to cut, bruse, inject, pollute, break and tear the one physical machine we will ever have? Is it self-destructive and foolish? Or living to the fullest without regret and without inhibitions? I suppose the only thing that keeps me from comsidering the well-being and longevity of my body above the desire and fun factor is the idea of my body as an art. I like to decorate, mold, work and push my body to music and every time the line gets more perfect, more beautiful, more correct and articulate, the more joy and pride I get out of my dance. Therefore I strive for images of physical perfection so that I may create something to make existence more beautiful. Vain? Maybe. Conceeded? Yes. But wasting away from malnurishment and abuse is just as self-centered. I will forever struggle though on the fine line between the two extremes of physical preservation and physical abuse. I must spend time in each and dwell inbetween, but what falls where?

And lastly, the soul: clouded as Californian water fresh from the tap, the very idea of the soul has implications ranging from God's dwelling place to a figment of the imagination. I know that it exists only because there is no other name for some things that are felt but never experienced physically. It is where I store all the irrational, unjustified but just the same true things in my life. These things aren't feelings, thoughts, moments or ideas, but raw gutty premonitions like love, hate, and everything in between. What I wonder is how some can live completely dependent and devoted to the soul, while others will be born and die without giving its existance a thought? Does the soul regulate my morality (known formally as a conscience) or is that really my mind on autopilot? If it is my mind, than what is the point of my soul? Traditionally speaking, the soul is the part of the human that never dies. I can believe that, in fact I will believe that, but only because my very understanding of my own soul tells me too. Is that not cirular reasoning? More and more I am starting to think that my soul is more like the spirit inside of me, the essence of existence that every living thing has but only I can fathom and grasp truthfully. If that is the case, then I must take it, protect it, nurish it and strive to understand it because the very innate and basic things in this world are often the only things that can be trusted.

Conclusion? There is none. As for insights I found in this stream of conciousness? My mind is powerful but is being fed the wrong foods, my body will be perfect only in the eyes of the loving so I should look for love instead of flawlessness, and my soul is in some dire need of attention. Tonight calls for some quality reading, apples, and meditation.  ¶ 4:42 PM 1 Comments

  I'm a Moderately Conservative Democratic Socailist I always look forward to the easier times; thats what things look like to me. Not better, not happier, just easier and more peaceful. What this wonderful trip home has taught me is that easier does not exist, and that great things are in part figments of my imagination, and part exagerated reality. I'm not a pessimist, I'm not a hater, I actually look for the good in all things, but in the words of a good friend, we romanticize life and it just makes it all the much harder.
Lots of things to learn and share and for a note to self, here is what not to forget, ever.
Life is precious; things die, relationships die, people die, pets die. Its going to hurt but don't stop loving out of fear
Fight with love, laugh with rage (as scratched delicately on the bathroom stall door at the Reel Big Fish concert)
Home isn't real, but family and friends are. Don't worry so much about the transition, just enjoy what you know completes you
Find depth and joy in yourself and let others contribute, not create the wealth
Movies, long drives, lunches alone, good long cuddles, talks and walks, the Oregon coast, animals and art makes life worth it
Don't forget where you come from
Stop searching for yourself and start creating yourself
You have two comfy beds; use them
Vanity will kill you so just....right
Finally, it will all even out somehow and when you look at someone near you and think how easy they have it, just remember that they have struggles different from yours but just as hard, and their highs, ditto to you. So knock it off and appreciate what you have, love the pain and fancy the freedom because this is a fabulous blend that makes up your life
back to LA i go. Thank you to those who know this is for them.  ¶ 2:50 PM 0 Comments