Saphre I feel I've lost a bit of my touch with reality, or at least that feeling of reality. Like when you know that you are somewhere and when you wake up tomorrow you will still be there and that people expect you to show up to work and such. It's probably all the moving I've been doing in the last 5 years that's keeping me from ever sensing permanence or anything like it. Really I don't mind; I like the sense of floating above the world, moving through it like a piece of hair that floats from one edge of my glass of water to the other. Although I do believe it is wearing on Gus. Everytime we are in someone's house, whether it be my current one, a friend's, or a parent's, he simply stands with his head low and his tail down. He rarely lies down and sleeps, and rarely begs me to play like he used to. I think he senses the same thing I do....we are not settled, we may not be here long, let's not get too comfy.

I do admit however that things in the last few weeks have felt something almost sustainable. My room is cozy and warm, and Gus has a huge fenced backyard and a puppy to play with. My bills are minimal, and life costs here are low. I've got a job dancing, teaching dance, and performing, and have committed to almost 9 months on that path. I've got a handful of loyal and loving people in my life, and I love this city. I wonder how long I will appreciate these things. Really I think it's rarely the things in my life that bug me but usually me who bugs them ya know? I honestly can't say that any one job has chnged so much over the time of my employment that it turns into an unwithstandable form. Usually, I just change enough to grow tired of it. Yet two things in my life I have never grown tired of; love and dance. That's why I hope and almost believe in success here. Also, the lovely Vagabond band leader whom I listened to perform on the quaint Mississippi street reminded me that Portland today is like Paris in the 20's, booming with arts and life, just no money to be found. That means we all get creative, band together, and make something work. This whole idea of being here and now in a time that could possibly be historic makes me want to invest and invest in a very real, serious way in this community. THe way someone with a degree in the arts and some years of experience working as a performing artists could do.

I've been thinking a lot about children and why I always hesitate to work with them as I am continuously offered teaching positions. I very much fear being surrounded by kids, having to be their leader, and in n way want to meet that challenge ( this is very uncharacteristic of me, a hard-headed let-me-at-it type of lady). But in the last week, I have had numerous rewarding laughs, hugs, kisses, and tickles with some munchkins that makes me think I've created this wall of fear and maybe it's time I take it down.


Gonna train some this week, adventure with Gus some, spend Christmas with the family some, and then head off to Baltimore for 10 days. Catch you on the flip side.  ¶ 10:42 PM