Shootstamp "It's not what you thought, when you first began it. It's not going to stop, till you wise up"-well put Aimee


It's late, to that hour when you lose the little off switch that tells you what not to think, so I figured I should write. The approriate description that has been put on this past week is "when is rains, it pours" as it was so elegantly put by multiple observers. And although this statement is incredibly accurate, it's also quiet detachted from what i feel at this moment. I feel dry like a dessert, full of thought but not much emotion, and rain makes me think of tears not logic. I am not depressed, not even really sad, just very confused and left with much to desire. I'm not sure where I should be, how I should feel, and why this isn't working. I also feel a new pang of mality towards self-righteousness as I am pretty sure that most other people feel just as confused as I and are just better at hiding it. I like that I am honest, that I am a deep feeling being, and that it bugs me when my dreams arent being fulfilled daily. This is me grown up, so I wont take kindly to being told my eager heart ought to change. Even though I swell in covetous anger when I see people who can push away bad thoughts for another day, I thank God that I have the blessing of feeling and feeling fully so that one day I can be the epitome of compassion to someone else experiencing these complex emotions.

In the past week I have:
Mapped out another move
Called 911 and ridden in an ambulance
Had expressive asphasia with no real known cause
Had an MRI, and CT scan, 20 different blood tests, and been assigned 4 neurologists
Spent 2 days alone in a hospital, learning about solitude as well as our medical institution
Got in a car wreck
Been cussed out by strangers
Overwithdrawn for the first time
Recieved flowers from someone special


Hopefully next week more events will resemble the last.
What I've learned is this: scary, crazy things can happen. Sad, upsetting things can happen. None of that matters. Having someone to be with you? That's priceless. Company and the physicalpresence of others is healing and not until I hugged a near stranger (my new boss) did I began to feel at peace again. This is why we have family. This is why we have love. To keep us healthy even when our bodies go on strike.

Wow it's late. Work in 3 hours. Ick. That's ok. This was good. Goodnight everyone  ¶ 1:57 AM