shepading " I wish people just knew what they wanted and then did it" rings the voice on the other end of the receiver. Ouch I feel in my chest, knowing the comment was flung at me like dirty dung labeled "accusation for Kara" What the hell kind of a world would it be then if this were reality? Men and women running around doing stuff that fulfilled their most logical of inclinations and then taking the time to reflect on the resulting change? No, absolutely not. What would we do with all the time we spend pondering and thinking about every angle we could take and then running through all worst and best case scenarios? How would we know who we were if we couldn't shuffle through with equal detachment all the urges we might have and then struggle and pain over which one is strongest, truest, most right, most passionate and real. Simplicity is beautiful, but honesty is painful.

So I go through the day looking at the eyes of those I encounter, wondering with each moment if they know what they want. Woman who just handed me the leash to your dog, do YOU really want to take that three day business trip with the lady in the cubicle next to you who smells like fried potatoes and moth balls, or would you rather keep your dog and drive off with his cute little ass to the beach? Man who just looked me up and down with judgment, do YOU want to be in that commitment relationship with the girl whose hand you hold at this very moment, or are you dreaming behind love of being able to talk to me or any other girl? Person who talks loudly to me on the phone, wouldn't you rather not be in any relation to me and isn't this just existing because it's common courtesy(and no, this isn't you)? I think so.

Then why do we remain in these bonds? In these patterns of habitual action and impulsive momentum that result when we either think to much or think little at all? It's simple: our own worlds are muddled by the existence of other people. Other wills, desires, and life paths cross us and cause us to guess and fill in the blanks to which we have no answers. " I will do this because perhaps it will make her day"..."I refuse to do this because it might make him uncomfortable"..."I continue to do this because it''s what they need right now"...
And in this mix we either loose of over-involve ourselves in the "I" of the equation. I am either completely absent or overly present, making the acts of each day too lenient, pleasing to the other, submissive and permissive, or completely selfish, forgetting that the universe exists as an intrinsic part of me, and that the self is a lie I have been fed since birth. Both cause me to forget to choose, as if adopting amnesia out of convenience. I can act out of default in a way that is either easily selfless, or lazily satisfying. But neither address what I truly need and desire. Neither of these overly beaten paths leads to the destination that I am called to go.
We must stop
Quiet
It is speaking
Listen and act
I can't stop talking

Juiced up and anxious, I am typing in order to express a few things:
1. I have moved and I am in a much better environment now. I have roommates who speak and invite me the things, and this is very nice.
2. I am confused about how to act and what to say. How do you say to one "speak real and come close" and to another "I would rather be fake and start the long distance away"?
3. I love Gus. Yesterday I officially became his gaurdian and each morning I wake up happy to be alive because I have this fuzzy pup on my bed. He loves his new roommmate, the German Shepherd named Shelby, and is happy to be given the breed "Anatolian Shepherd/Mastiff Mix". In my yoga class, the guru said " listen to that which makes you glad to be alive". Today I listen to Gus.  ¶ 8:42 PM