Royale Ana It's like that feeling when you've got something caught in your throat to the point that if you exhale too deeply, you will become stuck on that object and loudly collapse your entire chest cavity in a coughing fit....except caused by something not physically diagnosable. I can't exhale all the way. It came when thinking of how to make a good chance procedure for my styles and forms class and then carried it's way into my reading of the Republic, and now writting is my way of intellectually coughing in hopes of relief.


What to say about life.....I am looking forward to much. For one, I am going out of the country soon to learn about the perils of modern globalization and it's effect on the prideful coffee industry. I don't have enough money to make the downpayment, my passport hasn't arrived yet and I am not vaccinated, but I am determined that all will fall in place. For another, I get to visit Oregon for a brief weekend in February. Normally I am so knee-deep in LMU life that home nearly escapes me aside from the fondness of those I love, but this semester has graciously killed that tradition and I am now on week three of wanting everything I romanticize about home. Isn't that how everything goes? You wish you were somewhere else not because the distant destination is truely better, but rather because you are able to glorify it, romanticize it, and dress it up without being refuted, kind of like a dream. Whatever it is, dream or reality, petting my dog, hugging my mom and kissing my man sounds pretty darn good right now. Lastly, I will be soon recieving my very own copy of the movie Water (a film about the lives of widows in traditional Indian society). Call me a nerd but I think I just orgasmed.

Dino Junior lives on, Georgio survived three weeks of neglect(he's almost forgiven me), and it's finally cold enough here to legitamately argue being able to use the heater. Oh California....

Peace and tranquility to all, especially me. ha.  ¶ 9:22 PM 3 Comments

  Dajuju Illusion.

Reality is hard to grasp, where images are fleeting and flutter beneath your eyelids only long enough for you to catch a whisp of their scent. Places pass you in a matter of hours along with the memories they hold, the foods they delight in, and the people they pleasure you with. Even more you begin to realize that you can leave people just as simply as you met them and thus come upon the alarming fact that individuals exists completely without your presence. Choices are made and unmade within their very own conception as one digests that perhaps, just maybe, the largest choices they made were not even matters of real choice but rather obligation, devotion, conformity, or even simple fate. What is then left of reality? No graspable images, no firm places, no known people, no true choices...

What I can find is only now. But again, that isn't good enough for me since most intensly pleasurable experiences I have in this world are bottled into little jars labled "memories a-z". The rush of adrenaline I can hope for today is not in the next crack in the pavement that will make me stumble for a step but rather comes from meditating on a fulfilled future, complete with lover, family, art and soul. The sad truth is, in this point in life I have to admit that happiness for me lies not in today, but yesterday or tomorrow.

And thus the war begins. I live in reality but can't find it, I exists only in now but can't enjoy it. "I should have" "I wish I were" and "Only if" 's plague my speech and their riding would most likely led to a sense of exhalation. I read a quote today that inspired me to do so. It reads
"Mindful and creative, a child who has neither a past, no examples to follow, nor value judgements, simply lives, speaks and plays in freedom" ~Arnaud Desjardins

So let the freedom come.

In other news, it was an alarming 80 degrees today and I remembered that I had forgotten how deeply blue the ocean still is, even in polluted LA. Similarly, my time warp is furthered by the fact that instead of being woken up by the patter of rain and wind, I had to slip my face under the covers to avoid the intense rays of the morning sun. Many people around the world connect images of light with rebirth...bring it on.  ¶ 9:02 PM 1 Comments