Monday, December 19, 2005
Unadaptivity
So its weird, right? Finding yourself 4 months thrown back, harboring a heart-full of revelations and experiences that have taken you to a new state of awareness but everything is the same. The faces, the drama, the irony, the fights, the loves, everything. Except you know that they have had their share of life-changing experiences also being held to themselves and are pretending equally as hard as you that they feel everything the same. The thing is, it does feel identical to how I left it. Hillsboro paused for me, and now that I am back, I resume. But some things always change.
For one I have come upon the fact that I am the "other" in my family of 4. People always say moving out allows you to see your parents more like the people they are instead of just your mother and father. Because of the circumstances, I have always pretty much seen my mother in that light, and at times my father, but coming back home, I can see the family unit and where I fit in. I guess it all fell in when I heard my dad whisper to my mother in an argument "..and Kara? Where the hell did all that passion about that...STUFF...come from?" The following comments talked about how being a vegetarian is ludacris, my mom's comments about how I don't take the idea of a career seriously, and how proud they are of my brother for considering graduate school. And it hit me: I am the only registered Democrat in this house of Republicans, and that has an effect on something. I've always been the youngest, the one who will never have as much experience as anyone else in the family, the one who has the most ignorance, the one with the wildest ideas and most artsy ambitions. I sit close to my mother who, very proudly, "doesn't eat pig anymore" and thinks that organic is a label all foods should hold, but still seats away, as she claims that people are here on earth to work and worship as their primary actions. My dad is a little further away from me, relying greatly on emotion rather than reason and tending to fall moderately in his politics, but still considering my piercings and clothing choice "suggestive of things that don't reflect my true beauty". My brother, who according to my mother has been conservative since youth, is my most utter and complete opposite. While I asked for a faux-tree to bring some holiday cheer and spare a youthful pine, he grunted with his chainsaw, ordering my family to go somewhere where he can just hack something down. Beef and chicken make up 90% of his diet and he calls me a tree-hugging hippie. We fight about how I spend my time dancing when he works year in and out to make money while I spend it. He will be a wealthy mechanical engineer, I will go into the Peace Corps, he won't buy pink shirts and spends 20 minutes on his hair everymorning, I live in one pair of pants and shower when I feel like it. We don't mix. It's only now, when our family is made of 4 adults, that I have discovered how much I don't fit and that it bugs my parents. It kinda hurts and I dont know why
But I am greatful of this, because we can still love, still support eachother, and still laugh the night away when it comes down to it. Although my dad won't buy me the Bob Marley CD I put on my Christmas list and Eli will continue to laugh at me when I talk about life after school, I will know that they will never abandon the true me. ah yes, another revelation: I allow what people believe influence how much I get to know them when really, all people have hearts worthy of loving. I need to stop letting what they think is right and wrong in the world tell me how and to what degree I should befriend them. Everyone has a biased and tainted view of the world, so why is mine more worthy than theirs? Its not. It just is not.
I have so much more to write but I think that might go in a different journal. I am loving life and am scared to hell what will happen in my life in the next few years. Pray for good times...for sure
"And the waitress is practicing politics, as the business man slowly gets stoned...yes their sharing a drink called loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone" ¶ 11:01 PM
For one I have come upon the fact that I am the "other" in my family of 4. People always say moving out allows you to see your parents more like the people they are instead of just your mother and father. Because of the circumstances, I have always pretty much seen my mother in that light, and at times my father, but coming back home, I can see the family unit and where I fit in. I guess it all fell in when I heard my dad whisper to my mother in an argument "..and Kara? Where the hell did all that passion about that...STUFF...come from?" The following comments talked about how being a vegetarian is ludacris, my mom's comments about how I don't take the idea of a career seriously, and how proud they are of my brother for considering graduate school. And it hit me: I am the only registered Democrat in this house of Republicans, and that has an effect on something. I've always been the youngest, the one who will never have as much experience as anyone else in the family, the one who has the most ignorance, the one with the wildest ideas and most artsy ambitions. I sit close to my mother who, very proudly, "doesn't eat pig anymore" and thinks that organic is a label all foods should hold, but still seats away, as she claims that people are here on earth to work and worship as their primary actions. My dad is a little further away from me, relying greatly on emotion rather than reason and tending to fall moderately in his politics, but still considering my piercings and clothing choice "suggestive of things that don't reflect my true beauty". My brother, who according to my mother has been conservative since youth, is my most utter and complete opposite. While I asked for a faux-tree to bring some holiday cheer and spare a youthful pine, he grunted with his chainsaw, ordering my family to go somewhere where he can just hack something down. Beef and chicken make up 90% of his diet and he calls me a tree-hugging hippie. We fight about how I spend my time dancing when he works year in and out to make money while I spend it. He will be a wealthy mechanical engineer, I will go into the Peace Corps, he won't buy pink shirts and spends 20 minutes on his hair everymorning, I live in one pair of pants and shower when I feel like it. We don't mix. It's only now, when our family is made of 4 adults, that I have discovered how much I don't fit and that it bugs my parents. It kinda hurts and I dont know why
But I am greatful of this, because we can still love, still support eachother, and still laugh the night away when it comes down to it. Although my dad won't buy me the Bob Marley CD I put on my Christmas list and Eli will continue to laugh at me when I talk about life after school, I will know that they will never abandon the true me. ah yes, another revelation: I allow what people believe influence how much I get to know them when really, all people have hearts worthy of loving. I need to stop letting what they think is right and wrong in the world tell me how and to what degree I should befriend them. Everyone has a biased and tainted view of the world, so why is mine more worthy than theirs? Its not. It just is not.
I have so much more to write but I think that might go in a different journal. I am loving life and am scared to hell what will happen in my life in the next few years. Pray for good times...for sure
"And the waitress is practicing politics, as the business man slowly gets stoned...yes their sharing a drink called loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone" ¶ 11:01 PM
