Life is a Fabulous Blend...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
equity
I know its unwise, I know its absurd, but there is so much in my mind and heart right now that tomorrow's exam and the studying that is required of me prior to it to feel some sense of security is going out the window. I want to just bleed from my insides out onto this page right now everything that is eating me inside, everything that makes me love, everything that kills me, and all that is pushing my stress limit to unimaginable heights. But for some reason I still embrace this weird sense of anonymity within my posts. No names, dates, events, and only recently have I ventured into allowing pictures of myself. I guess I'd like to think that I am making some commuinity contribution by writting without self in mind. But we all know thats a big fat lie. We write so others will read, and what else would we want them to read about but our own significance, intelligence and subsequent worth. So i am gonna type, not get personal, and hope you all get that this is very personal...
In this instance, between here and home where tests and papers clog the clear view that represents complete nad total fulfillment, I find my emotions stretched to their widest point in the history of my life. Never have I ever felt both this much love, and this much utter lack of love at the same time. I have in my life a source of compassion and acceptance that reassures me daily that I have worth. 15 minutes later I have a different source that lets me know I am useless. Although distressing, I am able to look at moments like these and realize what a trip it all is. The heights of mania, the depths of dispair, the bipolar nature of relationships and the amazing ability we all possess to just take it and learn. Learn that we are all pieces of humanity, equal and separate, reaching different heights and different lows yet in the end, there is a medium, a balance, an existence of harmony.
Speaking of which, I would like everyone to take a second and whip out their favorite films. I get phone calls weekly from Neil telling me another anazing film that I should engage myself in, yet I remain barren and dry in the land of inspriation via the tube. Finally, I was blessed by the independent industry and given 2 hours (originally designated to writting an english paper on vegetarianism) to turn off all the lights in mid-day and watch the film Baraka. In a slow zoom, panormaic view of the amazon that would make a bush-waking, anter-mounting, oil-drilling republican cry on his knees from the sheer beauty, the film opens and closes with a breath-taking look at the cultures and history of the world. There are no words, no real music, only sounds and gutteral noises. For the first time ever, I saw humans as a part of a whole, and an inflated part at that. I saw love and peace, followed by destruction and war. I saw animals, trees, people, buildings, all from this unbaised perspective. It made me respect God that much more for still loving humans after all we've done to this beautiful creation.
To be continued...
Crash and Baraka=good
US economy=pyschological treatment
cops=inequality
darkness=depth
raggae=love
Let me explain: ¶ 8:23 PM 1 Comments
In this instance, between here and home where tests and papers clog the clear view that represents complete nad total fulfillment, I find my emotions stretched to their widest point in the history of my life. Never have I ever felt both this much love, and this much utter lack of love at the same time. I have in my life a source of compassion and acceptance that reassures me daily that I have worth. 15 minutes later I have a different source that lets me know I am useless. Although distressing, I am able to look at moments like these and realize what a trip it all is. The heights of mania, the depths of dispair, the bipolar nature of relationships and the amazing ability we all possess to just take it and learn. Learn that we are all pieces of humanity, equal and separate, reaching different heights and different lows yet in the end, there is a medium, a balance, an existence of harmony.
Speaking of which, I would like everyone to take a second and whip out their favorite films. I get phone calls weekly from Neil telling me another anazing film that I should engage myself in, yet I remain barren and dry in the land of inspriation via the tube. Finally, I was blessed by the independent industry and given 2 hours (originally designated to writting an english paper on vegetarianism) to turn off all the lights in mid-day and watch the film Baraka. In a slow zoom, panormaic view of the amazon that would make a bush-waking, anter-mounting, oil-drilling republican cry on his knees from the sheer beauty, the film opens and closes with a breath-taking look at the cultures and history of the world. There are no words, no real music, only sounds and gutteral noises. For the first time ever, I saw humans as a part of a whole, and an inflated part at that. I saw love and peace, followed by destruction and war. I saw animals, trees, people, buildings, all from this unbaised perspective. It made me respect God that much more for still loving humans after all we've done to this beautiful creation.
To be continued...
Crash and Baraka=good
US economy=pyschological treatment
cops=inequality
darkness=depth
raggae=love
Let me explain: ¶ 8:23 PM 1 Comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
day 21
I turned off the noise and rolled over in my rest so I could affirm that she was asleep. Nodding with aggreeance, I climbed closely up my ladder and into the warm bed that invites me to rest. My bed and I sit together for a while before I give into to his temptations, closing my eyes and slowly drifting somewhere but not neverland....
the moring starts slowly..first a leaf-blower, then the soft chanting of close-by fan sections, then finally the meak voice of a tired friend..As the sun approached its destination in the sky, my feet hit the floor and they start off towards my morning omelette.....egg whites, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, chives, the works. We sit in the garden, friends and I, to enjoy the concoction of vegetables and egg as we discuss how ultimately tragic and amazing some things are
The day progresses as Olivia and I make our way to the beach. Marina del rey never looked more like a King's place except on that day, when the heat pressed on our backs as we layed heavily on the cool sand. I liked to sink my fingers into the pieces of torn rock, wondering what will they had in where I pushed them, and then watch them as they tremble and fall down the tiny mountain i had created with my weight. Those objects are innanimate however they are just as big as I am in comparison to this world...are they really willess?
We walk across the boardwalk to a green patch which lies directly under the shade of an enormous palm. The grass accepts me with torn edges, soft with weight, dangerous to the touch, so without hesitation I put my total body into full contact with the patch. The sky looks so blue
Back again to campus and for hours I work on my research. I break for a good mint mocha and then come back again to my desk which now lies happily in the direct glare of the sun. Since the leaves have changed into a dark red, a bloodlike halo finds its home on my face as I type away words with power but no audience to read them.
The night comes quickly like it always does around november and presses on me with anxiousness and haste. A car-ride later and I am in West LA, sitting on soft cushions and smelling the thick air full of coconut and mango ambers. I breath the smoke in thick into my lungs, letting each slow puff make a ring out of my lips. People laughing, girls dancing, arabs clapping, music blarring and I am out into my own world. Two icecream sandwiches, one full hooka, and the reminder that I am designated driver brings me back into this quiet car. Friends behind me, saying stupid things followed by my own laughter lets me know that college isn't so bad. Like Jem says, "it's just a ride"....... ¶ 8:39 AM 2 Comments
the moring starts slowly..first a leaf-blower, then the soft chanting of close-by fan sections, then finally the meak voice of a tired friend..As the sun approached its destination in the sky, my feet hit the floor and they start off towards my morning omelette.....egg whites, spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, chives, the works. We sit in the garden, friends and I, to enjoy the concoction of vegetables and egg as we discuss how ultimately tragic and amazing some things are
The day progresses as Olivia and I make our way to the beach. Marina del rey never looked more like a King's place except on that day, when the heat pressed on our backs as we layed heavily on the cool sand. I liked to sink my fingers into the pieces of torn rock, wondering what will they had in where I pushed them, and then watch them as they tremble and fall down the tiny mountain i had created with my weight. Those objects are innanimate however they are just as big as I am in comparison to this world...are they really willess?
We walk across the boardwalk to a green patch which lies directly under the shade of an enormous palm. The grass accepts me with torn edges, soft with weight, dangerous to the touch, so without hesitation I put my total body into full contact with the patch. The sky looks so blue
Back again to campus and for hours I work on my research. I break for a good mint mocha and then come back again to my desk which now lies happily in the direct glare of the sun. Since the leaves have changed into a dark red, a bloodlike halo finds its home on my face as I type away words with power but no audience to read them.
The night comes quickly like it always does around november and presses on me with anxiousness and haste. A car-ride later and I am in West LA, sitting on soft cushions and smelling the thick air full of coconut and mango ambers. I breath the smoke in thick into my lungs, letting each slow puff make a ring out of my lips. People laughing, girls dancing, arabs clapping, music blarring and I am out into my own world. Two icecream sandwiches, one full hooka, and the reminder that I am designated driver brings me back into this quiet car. Friends behind me, saying stupid things followed by my own laughter lets me know that college isn't so bad. Like Jem says, "it's just a ride"....... ¶ 8:39 AM 2 Comments
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Free Road
This is the home of Ayla, Olivia, Kara, poster girl, Dino and Georgio as seen when walking through the front door. No, we are not lesbians, we just share an appreciation for the human body.
This is Dino Giovanni, one of two boys in our room. He lives next to Georgio, the plant in the black container (who is, by the way, ridiculously spoiled)
This is my modest and humble corner, waiting to be decorated with more artwork to come. Feel free to send me something pretty to put on those bare walls
This is the home of Ayla, Olivia, Kara, poster girl, Dino and Georgio as seen when walking through the front door. No, we are not lesbians, we just share an appreciation for the human body.
This is Dino Giovanni, one of two boys in our room. He lives next to Georgio, the plant in the black container (who is, by the way, ridiculously spoiled) 
This is my modest and humble corner, waiting to be decorated with more artwork to come. Feel free to send me something pretty to put on those bare wallsNeed I explain?
¶ 8:52 PM 1 Comments
Monday, November 07, 2005
Get Up STand Up
Tonight i went to a forum entitled Artivism; Art and Activism. An amazing guitarist strung out his songs with lyrics that spoke to my heart. They reminded me of an old Holly Near Vinyl me and Neil listened to one time. God what beautiful lyrics.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS YOUSO I'LL KEEP DOING THE WORK YOU WERE DOING AS IF I WERE TWOI'LL BE A STUDENT OF LIFE, A SINGER OF SONGSA FARMER OF FOOD AND A RIGHTER OF WRONGIT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS YOUAND IT MAY BE ME DEAR SISTERS AND BROTHERBEFORE WE ARE THROUGHBUT IF YOU CAN WORK FOR FREEDOMFREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOMIF YOU CAN WORK (LIVE, DIE, SING) FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
STUDENTS IN OHIO AT KENT AND JACKSON STATESHOT DOWN BY A NAMELESS ( or VICIOUS) FIRE ONE EARLY DAY IN MAYSOME PEOPLE CRIED OUT ANGRY YOU SHOULD HAVE SHOT MORE OF THEM DOWNBUT YOU CAN'T BURY YOUTH MY FRIENDYOUTH GROWS THE WHOLE WORLD ROUNDCHORUS;IF YOU CAN DIE FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
THE JUNTA BROKE THE FINGERS ON VICTOR JARA'S HANDSTHEY SAID TO THE GENTLE POET "PLAY YOUR GUITAR NOW IF YOU CAN"VICTOR STARTED SINGING BUT THEY BROUGHT HIS BODY DOWNYOU CAN KILL THAT MAN BUT NOT HIS SONGWHEN IT'S SUNG THE WHOLE WORLD ROUND
IF YOU CAN SING FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
A WOMAN IN THE JUNGLE SO MANY WARS AWAYSTUDIES LATE INTO THE NIGHT, DEFENDS THE VILLAGE IN THE DAYALTHOUGH HER SKIN IS GOLDEN LIKE MINE WILL NEVER BEHER SONG IS HEARD AND I KNOW THE WORDSAND I'LL SING THEM UNTIL SHE'S FREECHORUS:IF YOU CAN LIVE FOR FREEDOM I CAN ¶ 10:53 PM 0 Comments
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS YOUSO I'LL KEEP DOING THE WORK YOU WERE DOING AS IF I WERE TWOI'LL BE A STUDENT OF LIFE, A SINGER OF SONGSA FARMER OF FOOD AND A RIGHTER OF WRONGIT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, BUT INSTEAD IT WAS YOUAND IT MAY BE ME DEAR SISTERS AND BROTHERBEFORE WE ARE THROUGHBUT IF YOU CAN WORK FOR FREEDOMFREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOMIF YOU CAN WORK (LIVE, DIE, SING) FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
STUDENTS IN OHIO AT KENT AND JACKSON STATESHOT DOWN BY A NAMELESS ( or VICIOUS) FIRE ONE EARLY DAY IN MAYSOME PEOPLE CRIED OUT ANGRY YOU SHOULD HAVE SHOT MORE OF THEM DOWNBUT YOU CAN'T BURY YOUTH MY FRIENDYOUTH GROWS THE WHOLE WORLD ROUNDCHORUS;IF YOU CAN DIE FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
THE JUNTA BROKE THE FINGERS ON VICTOR JARA'S HANDSTHEY SAID TO THE GENTLE POET "PLAY YOUR GUITAR NOW IF YOU CAN"VICTOR STARTED SINGING BUT THEY BROUGHT HIS BODY DOWNYOU CAN KILL THAT MAN BUT NOT HIS SONGWHEN IT'S SUNG THE WHOLE WORLD ROUND
IF YOU CAN SING FOR FREEDOM I CAN TOO
A WOMAN IN THE JUNGLE SO MANY WARS AWAYSTUDIES LATE INTO THE NIGHT, DEFENDS THE VILLAGE IN THE DAYALTHOUGH HER SKIN IS GOLDEN LIKE MINE WILL NEVER BEHER SONG IS HEARD AND I KNOW THE WORDSAND I'LL SING THEM UNTIL SHE'S FREECHORUS:IF YOU CAN LIVE FOR FREEDOM I CAN ¶ 10:53 PM 0 Comments
Till Logic Abounds
Fundamentally incomplete, internally lacking, externally wanting. However always pretending that something else is true. Because to depend on anything? Impossible. To concieve perfection and not have it? Stupid. And this is why men are blighted stars...
Because of fear. Maybe everybody fears what they know best, similar to the speculation that what you hate in others is what you hate in yourself. I know that I fear analysis, introspection ,and discovery. Like anyone else, if I were ever put under a microscope and probed, the scientist would see exactly what I know exists: contradictions. Say one thing, think another, mean yet another, and understand none of the above. Leave the analysis up to me then. I'll look at this world and see its ways, interpret them as so and move on. As for me? Let me be that untouched territory, where all is taken and nothing is poked at. What bravery I possess, ha.
But fear everyone does only because they fear that upon finding that deep and founded dependence in something else forged in their soul, they will have to come upon another truth; the need to surrender and trust. And everyone knows, trusting sucks. You trust the wrong thing, your world collapses. You trust at the wrong time, everything becomes meaningless. So much is at stake and the center of your world isn't even on you.
I have a set of oil perfumes right now, 7 different scents, and the box suggests I make a scent as unique as me by combining two of the perfumes. I am so glad that my uniqueness can be captured in two qualities. Today I think I will choose zanzibar and chylmac. The first because I like z's and the other because it sounds kind of like christmas, which wouldn't be so bad right now. ¶ 8:37 AM 2 Comments
Because of fear. Maybe everybody fears what they know best, similar to the speculation that what you hate in others is what you hate in yourself. I know that I fear analysis, introspection ,and discovery. Like anyone else, if I were ever put under a microscope and probed, the scientist would see exactly what I know exists: contradictions. Say one thing, think another, mean yet another, and understand none of the above. Leave the analysis up to me then. I'll look at this world and see its ways, interpret them as so and move on. As for me? Let me be that untouched territory, where all is taken and nothing is poked at. What bravery I possess, ha.
But fear everyone does only because they fear that upon finding that deep and founded dependence in something else forged in their soul, they will have to come upon another truth; the need to surrender and trust. And everyone knows, trusting sucks. You trust the wrong thing, your world collapses. You trust at the wrong time, everything becomes meaningless. So much is at stake and the center of your world isn't even on you.
I have a set of oil perfumes right now, 7 different scents, and the box suggests I make a scent as unique as me by combining two of the perfumes. I am so glad that my uniqueness can be captured in two qualities. Today I think I will choose zanzibar and chylmac. The first because I like z's and the other because it sounds kind of like christmas, which wouldn't be so bad right now. ¶ 8:37 AM 2 Comments
