Karma Police Bummer.

And so it begins. The long journey from here to the end of goodbyes. As much as I enjoy avoiding emotions, I have found some resolution in allowing myself to just live through them. As for today, I am trying just that. I went to bed, hair wet with tears and I wake up puffy as a balloon but no thoughts in my head, only memories. Mom knows to avoid me: I know to attempt the same. All these feelings are extremely unfamiliar to me but just the same, I already wish they would stay that way, distant and anti-empirical . Looking on the bright side, the next ten days will give me countless opportunities to become familiar this new side of relationships; adieux that is.

I took a walk earlier. Not just because my front right tire is so low that steering is a chore, or because I am finding it more and more hypocritical of me to try and preach recycling while driving the biggest waste of fossil feul around a 2 mile circumferance of my home. More because moving my body always boosts my endorphins and connects me to something else besides my lame mind. So I walked to the nearby store and normally, I would engage with every living thing I pass but I found much more resolution in focusing my eyes into the sound flowing through the headphones. But still aware of my social obligation to be somewhat courtious and genial, I would remove my phones to talk to the bank teller, buy some catfood, or order my Americano.

It was at these times I realized that people can tell much more about you than you would ever imagine. Never before having seen a single one of the people with whom I engaged, all of them responded to me in a way unusual to the normal consumer-worker relations. After having paid, ordered, or handing over my money, they each asked "How is your day going?" Now, I don't think I am all that special and i know it is somewhat customary to make small talk to customers, but very rarely does this occur after all business is finished. Of course, I would reply quietly and politely with a small "pretty good" and then make small talk about the weather outside but I think they saw through it. This makes me think one of two things: Either I wear my emotions on my sleves and I wasn't, afterall, doing too good of a job hidding my glum mood and heavy heart, or that people have a very deep connection that is sensed by some 6th sense. I prefer thinking the later mostly because I have used this sense before. You know what I am talking about, when you pass a boy and although his head is not low and his pace is steady, you know that deep in his heart he is hurting but you will never know why. Or the woman who sits on a park bench looking at her child and you feel something growing inside her that pulls you close and forces you to make eye contact. Maybe Phoebe was right when she tries to clear the negative karma surrounding tense or uncomfortable situation. Perhaps its something in the air that we can pick up, kinda like pheromones. I just wish it was as easy to do as her hand motions make it seem.

For now, I need to eat a salad.  ¶ 12:09 PM