Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Walkin on shards of heather
So we are almost done right? School is just about over and from here it is something new. So i took the time the other day to look over what has been accomplished in these four years aside from 26 credits and 1,300 days indoors. What I came across perplexed me.
I actually remember a day freshman year when I concluded thatpeople who thought life was hard, were doing something wrong. I rememeber a point in time where I had never experienced anything heartbreaking, anything tramatic, anything damaging, so that my world in turn was flat, easy, and pure simplicity. I saw people who hated life, who demanded refunds, who yelled alot and dressed goth or who woke up every day mad at something or someone as people who didn't understand how to live life. To me, there was no way life was as complex as people were making it out to be.
Today, I have no conclusions. Sometimes I wish I could just spend one more day on this earth doing anything I wanted and completing pointless tasks just to have 24 hours go the right way. Some days I wake up mad, and I find myself more complexed at my surroundings than astounded by simplicity. I constantly question, constantly love, and even hurt so that I may understand better these days I just cannot grasp. I have beoome more like that person who I thought needed a piece of reality when really, this is me with a handful more than I had before.
I am brought to think that what happened is no miracle, is nothing abscure, but the way life works. You are brought through sections of time like high school, pre-school, gradeschool, no-school, marraige, divorce, death, and birth to understand one thing more that you did not before. If not that, than maybe just the opposite. Perhaps the point of high school was rather to rob me of my simple understanding so that I could start anew and learn all ways with equality and rightness about them. What did happen is alot of stuff; and the irony about this stuff is that the stuff I want to relive taught me some, while the stuff I want to erase taught me so much more.
So when people tell me this next year I will change so much, I will be nothing like I am now, I will become who I will be for the rest of my life and journey from there, I know what they are saying. They are telling me that there is more pain, more hurt on the way because only then will I learn something, or possibly forget something, new.
I look forward to the growth and change....but be gentle please. I learn slow... ¶ 10:36 PM
I actually remember a day freshman year when I concluded thatpeople who thought life was hard, were doing something wrong. I rememeber a point in time where I had never experienced anything heartbreaking, anything tramatic, anything damaging, so that my world in turn was flat, easy, and pure simplicity. I saw people who hated life, who demanded refunds, who yelled alot and dressed goth or who woke up every day mad at something or someone as people who didn't understand how to live life. To me, there was no way life was as complex as people were making it out to be.
Today, I have no conclusions. Sometimes I wish I could just spend one more day on this earth doing anything I wanted and completing pointless tasks just to have 24 hours go the right way. Some days I wake up mad, and I find myself more complexed at my surroundings than astounded by simplicity. I constantly question, constantly love, and even hurt so that I may understand better these days I just cannot grasp. I have beoome more like that person who I thought needed a piece of reality when really, this is me with a handful more than I had before.
I am brought to think that what happened is no miracle, is nothing abscure, but the way life works. You are brought through sections of time like high school, pre-school, gradeschool, no-school, marraige, divorce, death, and birth to understand one thing more that you did not before. If not that, than maybe just the opposite. Perhaps the point of high school was rather to rob me of my simple understanding so that I could start anew and learn all ways with equality and rightness about them. What did happen is alot of stuff; and the irony about this stuff is that the stuff I want to relive taught me some, while the stuff I want to erase taught me so much more.
So when people tell me this next year I will change so much, I will be nothing like I am now, I will become who I will be for the rest of my life and journey from there, I know what they are saying. They are telling me that there is more pain, more hurt on the way because only then will I learn something, or possibly forget something, new.
I look forward to the growth and change....but be gentle please. I learn slow... ¶ 10:36 PM
