Out of my control Have you ever stared yourself into non-existence? Maybe not nonexistence but surely down to the most simple and least complex moments of your being? At times, I find myself before a mirror just looking at myself. At first I see my eyes, my hair, my clothes, my butt, me basically. Then I think and look and then I begin to stare. The power of the stare transcends me into another mindset. I know it sounds creapy but the reality is, once I glaze over my eyes and displace myself outside of the physical, I can actually separate my brain, my soul and my character from my body. Then I am left with this feeling of utter confusion; who is that I am looking at? I know it's me, but it's not. I am a gathering of cells, of something growing and breathing but I think and love and live and I am more than a body. It's similar to when you say a word over and over again. It soon becomes devoid of meaning, hollow in purpose, dumb sounding. Suddenly I am an overspoken word. This trans is scary. It allows me to be in more than one place, like God looking at me. I don't see the imperfections of Kara, I see the worldly worth of a being. Sometimes when I get too confused about life I want to go into that place deep in the mirror, where all the bull sh is pushed aside and all that exists is reality. But that place is like a dream, out of my control. No matter how I try to control it, place it, or remember how to achieve it, it will always be just out of my grasp.


Currently, I don't want to sleep. I want to stay awake forever. I want to be with my friends, I want to read, I want to draw, I want to write, I want to type, I want to eat, I want to play. I know sleeping means slowing down and at exactly 12:00 on January 2nd, I don't think I want to...
  ¶ 1:00 AM