Don't mess with my world.. Everything in the world is relative. Any opinion, and thought, even any fact is relative. " i am nice". Compared to whom? "Lizards live short lives". SHorter than what? "Your name is ________". Says who? "I live in a house". really....? Okay, so maybe not everything. But a vast majority of observations are all in the grasp of relativity.
This sucks. It means that so many things that i take as factual, or actual knowledge, can be changed in the blink of an eye as soon as i have something greater or worse to compare it to. Say today, i can honestly say that i live a good life that i enjoy waking up to. That each morning i can look in the mirror proud of my accomplishments and say, "i do pretty dang well". I do my stuff, feel satisfied doing it, and have a happy attitude. Then, i flip on the Tv or sign on IM or talk to a friend or something, and hear how they spent their day saving the world. All of a sudden, i feel less valuable and give my life less meaning. I dont want to wake up the next morning because i know someone will beat me to the goodstuff and i dont have a good life anyway. What has changed? Has my life deteriorated? Have my actions been altered? Am i doing anything different from the life i once loved? No. Nothing has changed. All that has been touched is the relativity of my life. I know a greater good, so mine is given less. Now obviously theoretical and completely hypothetical, that situation actually does occur to people. For me it is on a much smaller scale. Like yesterday evening; I consider myself smart. I consider myself an over-acheiver. Actually, i consider myself among the top strivers in school, ya know, all A's honors courses, yada yada. So i am in this room with a bunch of girls who all are interested in this all womens college Scripps. I figure they are all just like me, about the same, some below some above but i feel pretty good about myself. as the talk gets going, i find out that i have the lowest SAT score in the room, the most B';s out of all of them, and the lowest GPA. Not only that but they all talked better than me and were prettier. All of a sudden my feelings of achievment went down the drain. I felt the need to exit the room and go study or write some essay about saving the world from AIDS. Did i get stupider? no. Was i robbed of my achievements? No. All that happened was my scale of relativity changed, and it sucked.
Now i just wonder, is everything i consider good really just mediocur and is there alot more out there? Really, will i ever know if i have disfunctional relationships unless i learn of a functional one? Please someone, show me the cut-off for good things and bad things. I feel like in all areas, i am just living on the tip of an iceburg and only when i see the whole thing will i know how good, or how bad, i've got it.
  ¶ 11:39 PM 4 Comments

  Craziness through Busyness Like a rollercoaster has never been more true. Feelings winding and turning and then dipping up and then down. I percieve one thing, hear another, know another, and then am told a seperate. What to listen to becomes a kind of choice. It is no longer about truth or falsity, or about the matter at hand, but rather what you want your reality to be. I choose the clearcut one. The result? Complete and utter confusion and judgements of stupidity by my counter part and companions. I have no clue. Fifteen minutes of expression will not cover the expanse of questions that have made a cavern into my heart. Let's get talking....


Seperate:::I have two roads to life, one which I have planned ahead for, and one which is covered with everything appetizing. Both are real, both can be chosen. the difference? One will be scorned and could end up breaking me. The other could rob me of my passions and leave me empty in all ways but material. I want to paint, i want to dance, i want to decorate, i want to play music, i want to create, i want to make, i want to move, i want to travel, i want to be artistic. Or I want to be intelectual, i want to use my IB, i want to communicate with the world, i want to follow thoughts thunk so hard they are now made out of concrete. They say i can do both, but what if that means half of the time i am working just for the sake of working? I just wish it were like they told me it would be in kindergarden:
"kara, what are you drawing?"
"A picture of myself"
"And what does it tell us about what you want to be when you grow up?"
"an artist,,"
"Now wouldn't that be fun! I love to draw too"
"No, i want to paint while i dance. Thats why i drew on ballet shoes"
"That is just great. I've never heard of a dancing artist but whatever you want to be Kara, you can"

I want to be happy, fullfilled, and always creating.....
  ¶ 11:38 PM 3 Comments

  sleepy Does anyone out there have use for/need a California Queen Size bed? Oak wood headboard and footboard, comes with mattress and boxspring, awesome condition, very comfy, also have matching end tables. ANyone???? Its free kids...
  ¶ 10:04 AM 0 Comments

  temperature madness Of all my summer days, yesterday might not have been the most exciting, happy, neat, adventurous..but it was one i would like to remember because i thoroughly enjoyed it.

10:15am: Rolling over to complete silence and only the sound of my fan, i realise my house is totally empty and i just slept in to the latest time i had all summer. Satisfied with my sleep, i check the weather to discover a beautiful day outside just waiting for me..

11:00am: the day is moving slow and i am content simply drawing and making a few necklaces while listening to KMHD, the jazz station...

12:00pm: stuck in traffic and then three wrong turns later, ryan louie and I are on our way off to a stop we dont even know how to get to but have a definate destination in mind...

2:00pm: running, jumping, climbing and diving over and off the rocks surrounding Jones Creek. The place was compeltely deserted and the only noises were the ones made from the water rushing against the pebbles on the bottom of the creek. I felt like i was in a jungle, totally surrounded by trees and water, just running to keep up with nobody. Short embraces, terrifying jumps, and water colder than fresh snow runoff, my heart didn't take one rest . Me gasping for breath each time i dove into the deep water, i felt the compression of the cold on my luings, my head, my heart, soon to be warmed by a special someone and a cute pup....

4:00pm: traveled back and into the comforts of a warm blanket and a soft cuddle, my hair dripped with wetness that smelt almost liek a perfume to me. The smell in the car reminded me of organic rice cakes and tea....something beautiful, something natural.

6:30pm: Now inside a small, dimly lit wooden studio, i remove my shoes and take note to the pictures and statues of Budha and Bikram, and the scent of warm pine. I remove my shoes and a nice man in nothing but mini spandex and carrying a baby shows us (andrea and I) to a dressing room. Learned of our novice status, floods of advice come from the changing women: "first time eh?" "just try to stay in the room the entire time" "don't stand in the back two corners, that's where it is hottest""when you get nausius, just relax on your mat and pretend your on a beach in the sun"....this sounds more like a mental excercise than anything else..

7:40pm: Quickly realizing this is not a 60 minute class, my body twists and turns out of uncomfort on my towel on my mat. I try to deep breathe and focus on the slowly rotating fans above my head that are not for cooling purposes but rather spreading the heat that lays on my body like a thick blanket. The yogi is instructing the rest of the class through their hira-nashna-iba-something-or-other but i can't help but focus on the state of my body. Fingers pruned from my own sweat, i discover every square inch of my body secreting enough sweat to bathe a small child. I once looked behind me because i swear someone had squirted me with water because only that explains the drip constantly running off my nose and lips. No longer salty because my body has completely detoxified itself, i drink my own sweat becuase it is cooler than my water that has now heated up close to the room temperature...105...106....107...

7:50pm: Total and complete relaxation. I can finish out the class with the final breathing excercizes. My body feels so clean, so healthy, so real...so hot.

8:15pm: The wind blows on my face through a slight crack in the window but it is too cold to handle becuase my body is soaked.

10:30pm: Lost in Vernonia...Can't find the exchange point 23...just keep driving....

2:00am: Counting the minutes, Neil and I joke to try and pass the time. Directing drivers, laughing at people, drinking hot-cocoa, and playing games of flashlight tag, the night crawls into the wee-morning hours. We have concured that next year we will make our own Hood-to_coast team.

4:00am: I slowly retire into my bed that i left 18 hours ago and into the comfort of my down pillow. Still chilled from the coast mist, i fall asleep with my sweatshirt, sweatpants, and socks on trying to keep warm......what a wonderful day.
  ¶ 12:17 PM 2 Comments

  Tired. Worn. Stuck in a rut. At times i feel like even if change was an option, it would be unattainable. I just want something new to start, but not school. That just brings more stress.

When a body moves so perfectly to music, it is pure magic. Each soft note accompanied by a small movement, each sticato is emphasized by the pop of a back. As if you can't hear the music without the body moving to it, each note is sung out loud and clear when put in motion by the dancer. My goal is to make music move in perfection.

Question of the day: Is it good to strive for perfection? Keep in mind perfection is impossible. Will you just end up disappointed? I know they say "shoot for the moon and even if you miss, you wil land amoung the stars"..but what is so great about the moon anyways? Does anyone actually benefit from perfection or close to it? I want to know why i should advance.....

"call my name" is one of the most beautiful songs i have heard that is not jazz, regae, or classical. Sing it Prince. Seriously, it sets a total mood for me. Enter: Dimmed lights, soft candles lit all over the place. Big white romantic bed with rose petals all over the whole room, music softly playing in the background.....______________ laying on the bed reading ___________. Oh man.....music....later


  ¶ 10:51 PM 4 Comments

  a bit of a spin-off Life is confusing because....

i am soaked with my own sweat but i love it

i just had a fudgesickle to finish off my salad

i want to be an olympic athlete but have to sport

baths always tend to make me feel dirtier

i dont know what nationality i am

whatever i have a craving for always leaves me feeling sick

whatever i think will help usually doesnt

the color of the sky is a reflection of the sea which is blue because it is reflected off the sky which is....

my sense of freedom comes from complete controll

i couldn't fall asleep lastnight because my toenail hurt..

i hate saying no, so i always say yes, so then i end up having to say no.....

there are 1,000 colleges out there, 10 which would work, but i still have to choose just one

men want the natural woman with natural beauty, but would prefer if you wouldn't skip on the deoderant, toothpaste, and occasional armpit shave

artist are the ones who sell themselves but are always their own worst critic

all the places i want to be i have the means of getting there but choose to stay where i am simply because i dont want to leave my comfort zone

humans desire contact but most everyone has a ridiculously big "personal bubble"

i need to shower but it is too dirty right now


yes indeed, i love life







  ¶ 3:47 PM 0 Comments

  The propensity of unremitting life (man i love bit words) In the event that someone or anyone chooses to live out a life farther than their bedside, they are faced with many choices;this is obvious. Choices as in food, clothing, activities, maybe even faith, politics, religion, and education. But what i have found apon this subject is that whether agreed upon or not, choices are inevitable. The choice to answer someone, the choice to wake up in the morning. Even more, choices are prominate when they are trying to be evaded, possibly even more so than when choices are confronted. Say you are given a problem to deal with. Within the problem you must make a choice on what to do. But say perhaps you do not want to deal with the problem and thus decide on inaction. This is a choice; you have chosen inactivity in choosing. So no matter what, always a choice is made. Take a simple question, given to you by a teacher. You cannot choose the answer so you choose silence. In this form you may think i am stupid for even thinking of such an obvious event. But take it a step further. (this is a completely fictional situation simply used for demonstration of this useless topic).Your friend has a detrimental habit that is slowly but surely killing him and the situation is unbareable for you. Its been going on for sometime and your choices are a.) telling someone else in which case you are jeopardized or b.) support him with advice in which case he is jeopardized. You have been knee deep in this water since the beginning and by being unable to choose a or b, you are simultaneously choosing b., because it is the same as inactivity. Today i was faced with somewhat of a similar situation. When asked how i felt about a certain action i had two choices, to tell the truth, or tell the lie about my feelings. Knowing the lie was what wanted to be heard but would leave me empty, and the truth could be adverse in out friendship, i was stuck. Either choice was the wrong one. I chose silence, which led to inquiry and thus ended up choosing the truth, without choosing the truth. Why is this so.....

Another topic; my father asked me a very thought provoking question today that i would like some input on. Obviously determined by your religious status and mostly aimed towards those who accept the concept of incessant life, my question is (and think long and hard about this one) When does eternal life begin?

My answer: The day i accepted Christ was the day i was given eternal life and thus that is when it began.

My father's reply: So since in eternal life you are speaking of Heaven, would you say that on that day, Heaven began?

My answer: Well i guess so.....so then what about Hell?

Tell me please what you think about it all..I'd love to know.later
  ¶ 11:07 PM 8 Comments

  Thankyou Flinestones vitamin B. I am so glad i have alot of it because with its deficiency comes the superhuman power of being a mosquito magnet. I have 2 bites today, both on my face out of all places. How incredibly annoying.
Does anyone know how it feels to be somewhere totally out of your element and just wish again and again that you could stay where you are but at the same time, disappear? Like the room would be a better place if you had gone into stelth mode and simply slid in behind a couch and laughed to yourself at the occasional joke instead of causing an awkward silence when you entered the room. i need a harry potter invisibility cloak

and the odyssey continues...

she reached around the scented salts to where she hid the matches and slowly lit five little violet votive candles. Setting them aside on the marble cliff, her hands graced the smooth curves of the tub. Adjusting the water and then letting it run, her fingers cut through the clear liquid, back and forth in a swaying motion; like the cadence of a cats tail on linoleum. She removed her linens, and gently sat herself on the edge of the porcelain ship and dipped her feet into the pool below. The water rose to her toes, her arches, her heels, her ankles..Her feet became a pale blue beneath the transparent surface; a noted contrast to the rich olive tone of her skin..............

trust me, i will keep it PG. I just love baths!
  ¶ 10:55 PM 2 Comments

  purple peaches and silver tubs i want to write a novel, but one without a plot so that no one will read it. Only so that i can write and have a reason to. wouldnt you believe that without a plot it would be more realistic? Life has no plot, so neither will my novel...it will simply be a record of observations...maybe more like a huge honkin' poem......and it starts..

through the perception of her own reflection in the crystle clear glass window, her eyes squint at the blinding light that bounces off of the mirror behind her. Raising her hand to sheild her face, her delicate silk night gown tumbles down her forearm and gathers at the crease of her elbow. Her soft ivory skin mimicks the texture of the gown she wears that cascades off her shoulders, hiding her feminine figure. The wind outside blows just enough to sway the leaves of a maple in front of the sun. Dance leaves and enjoy the sun while it shines. Warm your sides before the cold moon steals it's spot. Removing her hand from her brow, she cups her hand around her nose as she reminices in the sweet scent of her own perfume; a gentle blend of lavender, coconut, and a hint of old musk left behind from her bar of soap...........................

for some reason i think this might get racey!!


oh the suspense!
  ¶ 9:58 PM 3 Comments

  I have an eye-lash in my orbs anxiety. OCD. Stress. Comprehension. Overwhelmed. Right...
the whole table is laughing, the entire car is filled with music, everyones mouths are mumbled with giggles, each plan is better sounding than the previous, but they all fall short for some reason. All my head is consumed. Consumed by thoughts that will always circulate and even when dealt with, will reappear in a recycled form. It's as if life goes on each day and every minute that passes can never be regained but was spent in the wrong place. I am loosing a lot of things i wish i grabbed while i was there. Slipping, slidding through my fingers are the days of summer and with each one, i just want to be productive, secure, and advancing. But when i lay my head on my pillow, i feel my pulse beat hard through my temple and my bloodpressure rise as i recall all the things i didn't do today. What about_______, i must finish ________, did i check ________? It is enough to make me sit up in bed 3 hours after i layed down and begin to fidget and mumble until i must pray myself back to sleep. I need peace of mind, a solum break in my tension, i need a moment free from my disorder. i hate anxiety.
  ¶ 11:28 AM 0 Comments

  Oh life.... So this is me, in 100 words or less, being non-symbolic, and totally politically correct in announcing that I, Kara, am Oregon's Junior Miss and $3,000 dollars richer!!! Last night I was awarded this honor in the old-fashioned way and am totally and completely excited about everything. Scared? yes, Overwhelmed? a bit. But most of all, totally pumped about going to Mobile Alabama to represent Oregon at the National competition for America's Junior Miss....please...no applause....anyone and everyone call me because i'd love to hear from you.
  ¶ 4:52 PM 7 Comments