Shootstamp "It's not what you thought, when you first began it. It's not going to stop, till you wise up"-well put Aimee


It's late, to that hour when you lose the little off switch that tells you what not to think, so I figured I should write. The approriate description that has been put on this past week is "when is rains, it pours" as it was so elegantly put by multiple observers. And although this statement is incredibly accurate, it's also quiet detachted from what i feel at this moment. I feel dry like a dessert, full of thought but not much emotion, and rain makes me think of tears not logic. I am not depressed, not even really sad, just very confused and left with much to desire. I'm not sure where I should be, how I should feel, and why this isn't working. I also feel a new pang of mality towards self-righteousness as I am pretty sure that most other people feel just as confused as I and are just better at hiding it. I like that I am honest, that I am a deep feeling being, and that it bugs me when my dreams arent being fulfilled daily. This is me grown up, so I wont take kindly to being told my eager heart ought to change. Even though I swell in covetous anger when I see people who can push away bad thoughts for another day, I thank God that I have the blessing of feeling and feeling fully so that one day I can be the epitome of compassion to someone else experiencing these complex emotions.

In the past week I have:
Mapped out another move
Called 911 and ridden in an ambulance
Had expressive asphasia with no real known cause
Had an MRI, and CT scan, 20 different blood tests, and been assigned 4 neurologists
Spent 2 days alone in a hospital, learning about solitude as well as our medical institution
Got in a car wreck
Been cussed out by strangers
Overwithdrawn for the first time
Recieved flowers from someone special


Hopefully next week more events will resemble the last.
What I've learned is this: scary, crazy things can happen. Sad, upsetting things can happen. None of that matters. Having someone to be with you? That's priceless. Company and the physicalpresence of others is healing and not until I hugged a near stranger (my new boss) did I began to feel at peace again. This is why we have family. This is why we have love. To keep us healthy even when our bodies go on strike.

Wow it's late. Work in 3 hours. Ick. That's ok. This was good. Goodnight everyone  ¶ 1:57 AM 10 Comments

  Real Name

I can remember walking down the street, saying my name over & over, until all of a sudden, it didn't sound like my name anymore. It didn't even sound like a word at all & then I stopped & the silence rushed in & whispered words that sounded more like my real name & I smiled & thought to myself how surprised my parents would be when they found out what a mistake they had made. made possible by Story People

  ¶ 11:31 AM 0 Comments

  Autumn Fallin :
Autumn fallin' from trees
The snow is up to our knees
O let you borrow my keys
Tp sleep in my room


You threw away my shoe
I brought you to central park zoo
Then I drew your eyes very blue
And I stuck 'em on the fridge


I believe it was you
Who I wanted to be walking next to
And I believe we were friends
And I believe we will be again


You sighed and swept your broo
Under the wintry moon
When I called up this afternoon
Your words were goodbye, goodbye, goodbye


I believe it was you
Who I wanted to be talkin' to
And I believe we were friends
And I believe we will be again


If I knock on your door would you let me in?
Do you know any more than I do?


Wonder about you
Even if you do not want me to
The girl you once knew
Is the person we are


I believe it was you
Who I wanted to be walkin' next to
And I believe we were friends
And I believe we will be again  ¶ 9:10 AM 0 Comments

  Protectant
"When I roam lofty mountains I feel like my soul is raised on high and covered like the peaks in never melting caps of snow.

And when I descend into the valleys I feel deep and profound like them and my heart fills with mysterious shadows.

The same thing happens at the edge of the sea. There I merge with the surging waves: they pound and roar within me.

When I gaze at the sky I expand. I become boundless, unlimited.

When I look at the stars, silence permeates me.

When I see a flower the ecstasy of beauty overwhelms me.

When I hear a bird singing, its songs is an echo of my own inner voice, and when I look into the eyes of an animal I see no difference between them and my own.

Gradually my separate existence has vanished for the illusion that it was…. Only Peace remains."

I have stumbled upon the great honor and responsibility of living at the foothills of the East Bay. Like a present given on Easter, it is an unexpected gift that I cannot refuse. So each day, sometimes as the sun rises at 6am, or in the bright hot sun at noon, or often to see the moon and sun stare each other down across the sky at sunset, I hike these hills. I have discovered that there are more than 147 trails within 10 miles of me, each ranging from .25 miles, to over 25 miles. Nothing can stop me from going to the hills. While I may still not have any deep friends here, any cafe's where the barista knows my name, or even any neighbors who wave hi, the mountains that watch over me every day grab me and pull me close for a daily hug.  ¶ 10:03 AM 3 Comments