The Guilt Engine Just in a moment of recognition....

Blogger is the only password on my computer not set to automatic log-on.

I'm watching my fishy swim, listening to the Beatles, and spending a long-needed night alone in the room, comtemplating what it felt like to lay on the floor, sink into the ground, and be blank.

Time magazine helped me today. Cover to cover I read, appreciated, and avoided work. Something to think about-can Mexicans climb fences? I think so....

I bought meatless lunchmeat today

I want to spend my life appreciating every mystery around me, examining the young, disecting the old, tracing my fingers over the withered lines of broken ground, giving awe to clouds in the sky, recognizing the divine and letting go of the dirt. That will, without doubt, enrich my life, but will if fulfill my life? For that I need something else, something that won't burn like the fires that rage in California...religion? God? Faith? All of it? One of them? hum

Tea bags are good for more than one use unless you purchase them in a supermarket. Then you get your .14 cents worth in one cup and no more than that. I've tried.

Water is the softest yet the most currosive thing in nature. I want to try and be like that; gentle and powerful.

I have a memory of dancing in a dark field, four guitars strumming, voices laughing, long grass brushing against my legs and then falling back into it's arms and seeing stars, no, seeing constellations, for the first time in months. I remember that peace, that rush, that fall

And driving home, stopping in the middle of the dry desert, and finding 4 famished kittens abandoned and wanting nothing more than to make it better. One of us held the opener, the other the can, another the milk and the last the camera as we watched babies eat their first meal in months. No stopping to breath, no ears twitching for danger, only pure endulgence. They are probably dead; dead with bellies full of overly rich cat food, but maybe, somewhere within their simple cat minds, understanding that not all the world would discharge them behind Taco Bell. Some of us want them to be okay and any feeble act, helpful or hurtful, was done out of pure interspecies love. Nothing more, nothing less, but love, compassion, and the need to ourselves be helped by something too rich for our senses.  ¶ 10:49 PM 2 Comments

  Dup now The rythm of life never halts, even though my brain keeps on ticking. So for lack of ability to create anything more meaningful at the moment, here's a quick update:

I'm now an official Junior at Loyola Marymount University. IB paid off, and all my credits transfered, and just in time to help me deal with a financial crunch I was not ready to handle. So I'm graduating in 3 years instead of four...scary, I know.

I'm still a dance major, philosophy/humanities minor. I love my political philosophy class and am finding deeper and deeper levels of joy in my art. I'm hopeful that the future will bring me to a career in performance; now I just need to figure out what I should do to make it more than a hope and closer to a reality. I'm rehersing for 2 shows in the up and coming Faculty Dance Concert here at LMU as well as 2 pieces in the Student Dance Concert in April. The result is a sore, achy, overworked body that has a mind attached to it that doesn't let it ever stop. Painful, yes, worth it? Definately.

Another current passion of mine is service. I feel it's the one time I can change the direction of my being and just exist for something outside of me. Every Saturday I walk dogs in downtown Beveryly Hills from a local shelter there and just this past Saturday, I became a trained and liscenced volunteer at the Los Angeles Animal Shelter (high profile, i know). Animals bring me down to earth, and seeing so many who have no-one to love them unconditionally forces me to come back. I worked in the bunny room last week; they smell funny and have big claws but the way they snuggle is almost unbeatable. I also teach at 186th Street Elementary school on Tuesdays in a program called Peace Games. Basically, it's trying to bring an understanding and commitment to young people on being effective resolvers of conflict and makers of Peace. Most anti-violence programs out there start after the problem already exists with resistance education; peace games sees kids as a resolution, a generation that can be taught to live in harmony with others, not a set of victims or predators waiting to go array. I love the hugs, the smiles, and the genuine hearts of compassion the innocent children posses and my first grade class is quickly becoming my second home.

I live with my roommate from last year, Olivia, and next door to the lovely Miss Andrea Parson. My room overlooks all of the valley and off in the distance on clear days (yea right) I can see the ocean hit the shore of Playa Del Rey. The season is slowly but surely changing in to fall and aside from a few orange painted leaves you can find on the ground hidden in the cracks of concrete, there seems to be little visual ques that summer has passed. Thanksgiving will be spent in Arizona with some friends and then back up to Oregon around the beginning of December. I miss Oregon, miss home, miss a lover, miss friends, but am finding peace in knowing that this is were I am today becasue this is where I have to be today.

AS for this evening, off to spanish, ballet, Dance for children, then rehersal. The sun is shinning and its just cold enough to need my jacket. Hope all is well.  ¶ 10:48 AM 2 Comments