Iggy Surs Unsure Days tick, time turns,my stomach grumbles underneath my oversized sweatshirt that I haven't taken off in days. College isn't so bad: it is slightly over rated but under appreciated. There's always something to do, some place to distract yourself at, some unfinished project to occupy time, and some person in the same room with you. Fortunately for me, that something to do is usually calling someone I love, the place to distract myself is under the sun in a lukewarm pool, that unfinished project is of my own assigning and involved fingerpaint, and that person in my room is a best friend.

You know when your throat dries up and your head gets light, you feel you tummy press under your ribcage and your eyes go a little blurry and all of a sudden you can't keep your fingers still? That's nervousness. Interestingly enough, that feels almost identical to excitement, which is damn near amazement, which combined, make up something that I get only when I sense love. So many people write about love it's nearly overdone but every day when you learn about life you learn about love, so how could life ever really become dried out and over analyzed? My boss has the letters L O V E tattooed on her foot in a circle; she said that to her, love is both her motto and her belief system. I think I life that. Yes, I love that.

Tonight I feel passionate about life, passionate about love, and passionate about temporarily leaving this place that will welcome me with open arms when I return from a place that will cuddle and kiss me tender.

(in a particularly enjoyable format)
Dear ___
I love you, and you love me, and for that very reason, I want you to empty your mind and soul into me so that we can grow equally and finally be free from burden. I admire you like an idol while treating you like a companion and I am asking in anonymity...talk to me.

Dear ___
Under my selfish desires, my small and large ambitions, and next to the place I harbor all my fears, I could never fathom being lucky enough to have all of you. You will always be enough, more than enough because you have a heart of gold that never lets go. You stimulate, you congradulate, and you hold me at all the right times. I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for the freedom, but I refuse to use all of it. I would be a fool to spend my gold on appetizers when I have a feast with me at all times. As Marley once said, you satisfy my soul.


Dear __
Your words never fail to suprise me because even when I could expect shortness, you give me length. Distance and time can't close this casm that is created out of memories longer than time. All i can say is thank you for the challenge and always for the laughter.  ¶ 10:26 PM 2 Comments

  Onna Know Just Where ya been current feeling: existentially, unattached, emotionally creative, listener

I have my headphones on, my two roomates sleep soundly feet away from me, the lights are dimmly lit and the smoke rises from a special pack of inscents. My brain feels light and my fingers tired, and gymnopedie 1 by Eric Satie fills all the space around me through my headphones. I can't think straight, I can't type right, and I think one part of me is lost somewhere near the coast right now. You know how it feels to be parted? Like two twin souls reside in you and one took a vacation. Maybe not that bad. Perhaps I feel like looking over the edge of a boat in the middle of the ocean, letting my eyes seep deep into the dark blue, loosing my reflection and reveling in the thought of drowning. Not suffocating though, but just not breathing at all. Taking away the involuntary movement of the lungs, but not the heart so that you can hear your own heart beat, pulse, and push through your veins as water around you pushes back. Yes, I'd like to drown but live through it so that I could have those moments of silence and composure.


I think tomorrow will be a good day.  ¶ 11:29 PM 1 Comments

  What would we be without it Knocking on that back door, probably the best place to be huh? Nobody's got to answer it ever, not even me and it's my own house. That doesn't mean the tapping doesn't get to me. I still hear it loud and clear and ringing in my ear but only when the day get's quiet enough, quiet enough to let secrets slip and words run free because somebodies got to fill that quiet. But nobody has to answer the back door. Thats why I put you there, safe, sound, unmoved and there for me to look at but only me. Then whenever anyone asks what that noise is I can cover you up, pull down the blinds, turn on the water and make small talk. Funny thing is, I miss the part in your hair, that little curl on your neck, and that funny rip in your shirt so much that the second i close the blinds, I gotta peak through them again to make sure you still are there. Never leave, keep on knocking, because i like you there. You just have to understand, when company comes, or the day goes quiet, please...please be still. Knock a little quieter, move a little slower and read the lines running through my head that explain how come you can never come in. Because it's not easy to keep loving you and hiding you all the same.



Authors Note:
I don't like writting about nothing but sometimes when I go back and read my mumbled heaps of words, I forget even what the subject was in the first place. Since I am pretty sure no one anonymous will read this ( therefore making it like my only diary) I might as well explain. When I rest at night, i feel the layers of my mind unfold like the peel of an onion. As each thick layer pulls back, I find exposed all my worries, all the lies I've ever told, all the things I regret, and all the expectations there are set for me. I just find it weird how all those make me, make the me that I hate and love all the same so I would never want them to change or go away. The worry and anguish comes not from mistakes or mutilation but thoughtful calculation. However, I can't control other people's opinions and that kills me. So when i lay still enough, if conversation slows, or if people ask enough questions, all those little worries start making my heart beat fast and my palms sweat and i wish that life was just....perfect. But its not. In short, secrets cover my back porch, knocking to come to the surface, louder at night, softer in the day, but I don't think i'll ever answer. Becuase i like to look at them, like to have them, but never want anyone to see them. Ironic no?  ¶ 9:18 PM 0 Comments

  Across the UNiverse Is it where you came from, or where you are going to? Sometimes I like to think we have it all backwards; the way we eat, dress, play, learn, love. Its all so deviant from precivilized man. And regaurdless of ones opinion on creationism verses evolution, there is no doubt that there existed a time when people didn't wear so many clothes, eat so many processed foods, took so many pills, or worried so much about money. But just because we once were that way, does that mean that is how we should be now? Is progress something good or bad? And is moving towards an easier, more "satisfying" tomorrow an honorable goal or a gain in the name of laziness.

This entire post actually comes from spending the last hour cleaning naked.

And from tomorrow being Valentines Day.

Some people rejoice in holidays, some people "fuck" them, I get confused inbetween. I do think it is ridiculous that as each generation passes, every holiday is molding into a post-conventional replica of the one that occured the month before, only different colors, different presents, and different foods. But then again, there is always a need to spread cheer, spread love, spread the holida spirit, spread some goolish glow, spread some thankfulness or even spread a bit of the luck of the Irish. I could argue that its sad we need a holiday to say I love you, but I think it's clear that we do.

So I choose to say thank you for this semi-ridiculous holiday for forcing me to do what everyone, including myself, should be doing every day. Loving others and Loving life.

Its real poetic outside. I read a poem that said "there is no poetry in this. I am looking for peace, for love, I am looking for evidence of compassion, I am looking for life". What a beautiful thing to be on the search for. I think there is poetry in that, but not the kind of poetry that people read, smile about, and then fold into their back pocket. The kind of poetry that loved ones write in Valentines and as the words ring in the ears of the adored and hit the most softest spot ever, they melt and vow never to forget that poetry. I am looking for life...  ¶ 8:32 PM 0 Comments

  IVY Diurnal Cycle
-Olaf Schauerte
in the wake of night the sun scales the virgin sky a warming embrace a resurrection caressing the horizon orange golden glow the sky is crying meandering rivulets tears on my window time is relentless endless transitoriness marching on and on



  ¶ 3:34 PM 2 Comments

  Dreams to speak   ¶ 10:12 PM 1 Comments

  Good Morning Nurse So many mind blowing revelations today I can't even count..my only hope is the short scribbles on the cover of my statistics book and the two-word quote illegibly pledged on my anatomy test will give me some insight....

these read
"Do not disrespect the dignity of your neighbors"

"Will we evolve equally?"

"Maybe it's not about fighting"

"Bob Marley saved my life while Hitler killed hers"

My mind winds faster than my hands read, but what can be said is a brief string of what ifs, how comes, and maybe's. Firstly, all acts can be judged in accordance to the doer, but I will judge my right to enact by the amount of respect I am giving to the dignity of my neighbor. Am I sacraficing another's dignity for this? or better yet, am I missing a chance to envelope their worth in a cloud of light for others to see? The hard part lies in the understanding of neighbor and galactically speaking, everyone on earth is my neighbor...Secondly, the micro evolution I preach was shown to have a flaw today as I pondered the relevance of stating that humans are evolving to become superior, yet all men are created equal. Is there some natural constant connecting the entire world that makes every man evolve at an identical pace? After all, Darwin's famous book was called The Descent of Man: the History of Superior Races. Thirdly, life seems to be a struggle of good and evil, choosing to fight for what is right and getting a satisfaction in succeeding. But one might win, one might loose, and one might fight for the wrong or the right. So maybe it's not about fighting, maybe its about learning, loving, and creating. After all, the famous quote says "to create is to be truely alive"...and now I understand: if you are learning and creating what completes you, you can't help but fight for the good guy and succeed. And lastly, life seems bleak if you consider the small impact you have on world peace, but to give up fighting is foolish and selfish. My mind graces back to stories of children who could finally afford a full meal after Brittish colonial rule was lifted off of Jamaica largly due to the impact of Bob Marley. Even though at that same time, men were loosing their lives in concentration camps in Nazi Poland and world peace was just as attainable as before Marley sung his first song, it didn't matter to those children. They could eat, and their whole world was filled with peace and joy. Isn't that worth it?


BLAH! My head is aching and my body is to. Time to dance. Love  ¶ 1:17 PM 0 Comments